


Teratophilia

by Treegona



Category: Naruto
Genre: Aftermath of a Battle, Aka: What to do when the people in your bar are Really Wrong about who the biggest monsterfucker is, Discussions of monsterfucking, Drinking, M/M, People talking about their colleagues' sex lives, but I def wrote this instead of sleeping, disclaimer: no monsters were fucked in the making of this fic, idk what else to tag this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-23
Updated: 2020-04-23
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:46:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23809357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Treegona/pseuds/Treegona
Summary: Genma's just trying to get drunk. Why do people insist on being dumbasses in his general vicinity? There is no way Konoha's biggest monsterfucker is fuckingKurama!
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi/Kyuubi | Nine-tails | Kurama (discussed), Hoshigaki Kisame/Yamashiro Aoba (discussed), Kyuubi | Nine-tails | Kurama/Momochi Zabuza (discussed), Namiashi Raidou/Shiranui Genma
Comments: 9
Kudos: 322





	Teratophilia

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [reverse](https://archiveofourown.org/works/5339486) by [blackkat](https://archiveofourown.org/users/blackkat/pseuds/blackkat). 



> Sometimes a fic is so good that it makes you think about it for a long time. Sometimes that fic inspires a joke that you can't tell anyone because you're the only person who reads fanfiction in your friend group. Sometimes a pandemic locks you inside for extended periods of time and you put the joke on paper, just so it can get out of your brain -and so you can continue procrastinating on a fic that's giving you trouble. The time is now, you are me, here it is.

_[teratophilia, the paraphilia characterized by sexual attraction to deformed or monstrous people, attraction to monsters. From Greek_ téras _"monster" and Greek_ philía _"love".]_

On any given night, the shinobi bars of Konohagakure can be expected to host a variety of drunks. Some will be celebratory, some morose and some habitual. Usually, these three are roughly balanced at Genma’s favorite dive bar, but recent events have tipped the scales decidedly towards _celebratory_. Or dumb as fuck, Genma’s not sure.

Genma doesn’t know how the conversation in the bar turned to this topic, but here he is. Listening to his fellow ninja. Talking about fucking monsters.

“Kisame is a literal shark. He’s big and blue and probably scaly. Man’s got a mouth like a bucksaw. He’s much more monstrous than Zabuza. Ergo: Aoba’s the biggest monster fucker.”

“You’re telling me. That you don’t think the _demon of the hidden mist._ A man who killed over a _hundred_ of his own year mates. Is a bigger monster than a guy who’s blue? And it’s not like Zabuza will lose when it comes to filed teeth, yaknow.”

How is this Genma’s life? The foreign shinobi –the other kage- haven’t even been gone for 24 hours. Konoha is still celebrating its victory, still celebrating its new hokage, still trying to forget the atrocities that are coming to light in the wake of Danzo’s death, or some combination of the above.

“Ya, but he’s the mist’s demon, in’t he? No rogue nin, Zabuza. He’s loyal, predictable. Unlike Kisame, who’s missing-nin. Last seen being a part of the first force in literal decades to invade Konoha. What’s a lapdog like Zabuza to that?”

“ _Lapdog,_ ” a new voice snorts. “Zabuza was part of a _coup,_ you dipshit. If Kurama hadn’t been there to…” the voice trails off, and Genma has the distinct impression of unseen hand waving. He takes a drink “ _Jinchuriki wrangle_ that situation, Zabuza would’ve been missing like _Madara_.” The man could continue, but he doesn’t.

“Don’t sharks have two barbed dicks?” someone else asks. The entire bar falls silent in contemplation of this factoid. Genma is acutely aware that the entire bar is now participating in or listening to this conversation.

“That doesn’t matter!” the guy defending Zabuza’s monster-hood asserts “Aoba never got that far. He only managed to ask Kisame out. They didn’t even kiss.” Aoba, lying passed out on the table, is blissfully unaware of the conversation. He’s such a lightweight when they just get out of the hospital. Of course, the mednin always tell them not to drink after almost being killed. Genma maintains that almost being killed is why they drink, so that cancels out.

“Now, Kurama and Zabuza _actually_ fucked.” the speaker continues, unaware that they make Genma want to die. “Kurama is clearly the biggest monster fucker in Konoha.”

“Kakashi.” Genma hears. It sounds remarkably like his own voice, but he’s still surprised that people turn to look at him. Oh shit. Genma wasn’t planning to participate in the debate. Must be further gone than he thought. But, as they say, in for a senbon, in for a kunai. “Kakashi is Konoha’s biggest monster fucker.” He punctuates the statement by trying to take another drink. Huh, empty.

“Uh, elaborate? _How_ is Kakashi the biggest monster fucker?” someone asks.

Genma thinks. He thinks about Kurama’s merry chase across the elemental nations, going toe-to-toe with team Ro and the Akatsuki and the former mizukage and Akatsuki again and again. Genma thinks about watching Kurama interact with some of the most dangerous WMD’s on the continent. Genma thinks of orange fur, of artificial winds and chakra fire. Genma thinks of oppressive rage, sharingan eyes and more teeth than he’d dared count. Genma thinks of watching two jinchuriki fight the bijuu to a standstill, how Han and Roshi had barely kept up. Genma thinks of a night, a half dozen years ago. A night of fire and blood and grief. The night Genma failed.

And Genma thinks of the way Kurama is with his children, with his friends. Genma shudders at the thought of anyone harming those Kurama considers dear. Genma thinks of the way Kakashi had held him close after the transformation. The way their chakra signatures had spent extended time alone at Kakashi’s apartment, while Naruto and the children were elsewhere. Genma thinks of the way Kakashi looks at Kurama, the way Kurama looks back.

“Nope.” He eventually decides. “He just is. Kakashi’s the biggest monster fucker.” Genma hasn’t noticed the change in the quality of the silence yet. Doesn’t, until a shred of his self-preservation breaks through the haze of the drink –just how much has he had? Genma can’t even remember what he was drinking anymore. Then, Genma turns to look at the door. Where Kurama stands, outlined by the streetlights outside.

A laugh starts in that doorway. Genma responds with an involuntary, nervous giggle. Kurama’s laughter continues, getting more and more wrong as it goes. Eventually, the sound is less suited to a 5 foot tall ball of aggressive friendship and more to a maliciously amused building. Or a mountain. Genma’s certain there’s buildings smaller than the Kyuubi no Kitsune. He’s seen them side-by-side.

Kurama lets his laugh taper off, shakes his head and looks right at Genma with those unusually vulpine eyes of his. The gloom inside seems to do nothing to his vision. For a shinobi like Genma, it’s a scary thought.

“You know, Genma? You just might be right.” The smile Kurama gives the room has more teeth than Genma can count with his tongue. He feels, suddenly, very much like a red-hooded civilian girl, meeting a wolf out in the woods.

That is the last thought Genma has, before he wakes up at home.

There’s sounds coming from the kitchen and the air smells like breakfast. The former rather aggravates Genma’s hangover, but the latter promises to soothe it. Genma can hear Raido talking, hears the boys respond. He smiles. Kurama’s OK, for a giant, child-snatching monster of Genma’s literal nightmares, that led Genma’s friends on a merry chase across basically all the elemental nations. He can stay.


End file.
